End of the beginning to Life.

Hello Sunshine,

Today, I had a reflective day.

A 36 weeker mother, gave birth to a full term baby. However, the baby, had no signs of breathing, no heart rate, and no sign of life.

It is an inter uterine death. We call it IUD in the medical field.

My sis Ria, gave me a task that i was in charge of ward today. And unexpectedly, this particular case came to our ward. Crying pair of parents, moaning relatives, and shocked friends surrounded the couple in their single room. Support, Love, and words of comfort, could not stop the tears and the wailing mother.

How difficult and challenging it is to hold a fetus till full term? Is God so cruel to stop a life so vulnerable? or is it God's very own plan that he forsee a better future in that unborn life? God needed that life beside him?

4pm is the hour i had to escort the parents, and the priest down to the mortuary. Sister Bernadette came early to alert me to prepare the fetus first before presenting it to the parents. I appreciated that reminder, I went to the father, and got some clothes intended for the baby. After getting the keys to the mortuary, i went to seek for Sis Bernadette, she told me to go first. "Oh no, i had to go there alone?" fear? yes, i think so. Never went in the mortuary alone before. God somehow listened my fears, and thankfully, along the way, i saw a pair of undertakers, and they were more than willing to help me at the mortuary.

My hospital is a catholic hospital. Which i really appreciate that we do not handle abortion cases. However, IUD is unexpected death, so, ethically, nurses, nuns alike from my hospital would get to see such unwanted departure of a little life. As it is a catholic hospital, somehow or another, i dont fear that much going to the "black house" - which i call it, compared to government hospitals, and i mean it, as going there alone.

The key unlocked the lock at the "black house", the cold air gushed out, grabbing my legs that were uncovered by my nursing uniform. i closed my eyes, whispered a small prayer. and opened it, to switch on the light. Opening the ledge of the big handle to the "fridge", i saw a tray, with a covered cloth. Checking the tag with the undertaker, i brought the tray out of the fridge.

I was expecting to see a complete fetus. Uncovering the cloth, i saw a lifeless baby. pale, and there were bloodstains. and his skin was peeling from being too moist from the air? as the baby skin is very delicate, several peeling of the skin, revealing his red flesh could be seen. He had 10 fingers, 10 toes, a very complete body, but reason of his death was unknown. i can imagine how much guilt the mother must be feeling, she must have felt she caused the death of her child. I forgot to say the gender of the baby, he is a boy, and its the 2nd baby that the pair of parents lost.

Dressing the baby was proved to be difficult, as we turn the baby, blood flowed down his cheeks from his nose and mouth. I would pressume its the mother's uterus contents, as he was unable to cough it out like majority of the newborns. Reaching for the baby with my gloved hands, when i felt the cold blue skin for the first time, i retract my fingers, feeling the guilt from fear, i clear my thoughts and focused on my aim on doing my best for the last journey for the baby. I ended the dressing, by placing a blossomed flower handed to me by sister bernadette, next to the baby's face. Innocence, the baby's face was full of it.

The mother was wheeled down by our hospital porter. Father followed with a priest beside her. They saw the baby. We asked them, whether they would want to carry the baby. The mother refused. She just kept crying. Sister Bernadette, Priest, friend, undertaker, porter and me, had our hands on the parents, or the wheelchair. The cold room, echoed with the wails of the parents, for 10 entire minutes, no one stepped a step, whispered a sound, or even spoke anything.

Sister Bernadette broke the silence, and signalled for all of us, to leave the parents alone with the baby. All of us went out. I saw Sister Bernadette's face changed, and her tears started to come down her wrinkled face. Sister Bernadette is my mother of the hospital in my eyes. To see her cry, made me feel so sad too. Nurses cannot cry, we are to be so strong in front of relatives. To me, its not a good thing to show sadness. But today, all these rules, taboos are thrown aside. When all of us went in back to the "cold room" to pray, and when the mother was ready to carry him, even the porter, was not spared from this emotional moment, he too started to wipe his face, back facing me. Nevertheless, i started to cry when i saw the father crying beside me. I cannot control it any longer, especially when i see men cry. Reminds me when my father cried, whenever i made him angry.

It started to rain as i opened the door to go out. Some say its good that its raining when there is bad happenings, like a sign of washing away bad omens.

Locking up the mortuary. i looked down. I started to think about friends who had abortions. I started to think about couples who wanted a baby so much but do not have any. I would be able to say how much pain one girl would have to go through during the time of aborting the baby, and the guilt felt thereafter. Reasons for doing so, needs to compensate all these advantages of not having the baby. But what kind of advantage you can have for not keeping your own child? afterall, happiness will always follow after a birth of a child. Acceptance is just a matter of time. Girls become so strong after they gave birth to their child, they live on for the child, and the child is the strength and pillar of life to her.

I started to think about myself, although i am not married, i dont mind being a mother to any child. I am single, but i have 4 God children. 1 from China, 1 from Nepal, and 2 from the Philipines. All i can say is, i do not care whether i have in future, a boy or girl. I just wish him/her to be a healthy and happy little one.

My words to the baby when i carry him, - God need you beside him to do greater things that your parents cannot do. He took you away, knowing how much pain that your parents would go through, so, you must stay strong and complete your great things that come to you. and so, your parents in due time to come, can be proud to see you and hold you together as one. I carry you today, hope you can feel the love i give you, so you can spread this love to other babies who do not even have the chance to be carried, like how i carry you now. -

Moon Lim Huiying