Is it a process? or God's will?

Dear Sunshine,

Suddenly, I miss my cousin, Samuel Shing.
He was only 12 years old.
He was going home from the bus stop. A speeding taxi drove by, did not see him, and he got knocked, he flew, and passed away on the road.

When i saw him lying behind the glass panel. I start to think how angelic he was when he was a child. He grew up to be a bright and talented child, he was a softball captain, and friends only remembered how kind he was. For us cousins, he only knew about sharing, and often he spend some evenings and nights over at my place, with my youngest sister. He was the only son, and only had one elder sister.

For one second, to tell you honestly, i blamed GOD. I blamed him for being so unfair and cruel to us. Forgive me. Although we kept praying and praying, whether in the church, or at his place, i still had to admit that i was wondering whether there ever was a GOD. These feelings started to fade away when i got to be strong to hug someone from my family to tell them that Sam is in a safe place now. The only comfort is that, we will remember the way he is, we told ourselves that GOD just wanted us to remember him being angelic and that GOD needed him to do something better for him.

This was an unwanted departure. How about those, we living could have made the decision? We all believe dying is a process. How about those who take their own lives? those who kill others? or also, those who decide for their close ones to pass on?

In my line of job, there are some patients, unfortunately are decided by their close ones not to resuscitate them (DNR). They are either machine dependent, or mulitple organ failures, or old age, or last stage of cancer. Come to think of it, probably its fortunately that there is this DNR clause, if not, relatives could keep paying for hospital fees? or relatives would see their love ones suffering longer than usual. Some relatives cannot take the reality that their love ones are in that present state, of course, we respect whatever decision is being made.

Fortunately, still, i am not the nurse (as yet) who would off the machines, to witness the last breathe that the patient could, on his/her own. I think i am still not ready, to hold that kind of responsibility or also, i am not senior enough too, to handle that kind of pressure which i would rather not to experience yet.

But, one thing i believe...
And truely believe.
Is...
There really are miracles....

I believe in that... and i did see patients who got well, even though beyond expectation. Beyond doctor's expectation. Of course, they still faced death, but, at least, some level of comfort for them, and for people witnessing the process, is being reached and more are willing to let go after that particular miracle faded.

By the way, my aunty, then 43, gave birth to another baby girl, and she is already almost 5, i think. Her elder sister is 20. Miracle? GOD's gift... i believe. Her name is Sarah Shing.

A grandma fell, did not tell relatives till one day, she actually vomitted. Admitted into hospital. Could move her limbs, sit up and talk. But the next following day, she only could lie down and unable to open her eyes nor talk anymore. Scanning shows she had serious bleeding in her brain and relatives were unwilling to operate her due to her age and heart condition. Thoughout the whole week, they cried beside her, i felt sad too, although i did not know her personally, she had a very kind face.

One day, while i was her nurse-in-charge, I went to change her diapers with my enrolled nurse. I was very curious. I went to open her eye lids, saw her eyes rolling, and i asked her," Ah ma, Can you see me?" in hokkien. To my collegue and my amazement, she answered "O, I can see you. You are very pretty." I got a shock! My collegue too, she was saying "HUH! Ah ma can talk!" Outside, the relatives heard something, they all rushed in to see, but, ah ma never spoke anymore. I went to her funeral. In fact, I never attended any patient's funeral before. Her relatives told me, that her very last sentence that she spoke, was with me.

If ever, one day, should i become unable to make the decision to live on, or should i be machine dependent, Do Not Resuscitate me... ok? because i think... i might look scary without my smile... ^_^


Love,
Moon Lim.

A Mother's Soul

I am going to delicate this post to all Mothers, and wishing all of them, Happy Mothers' Day.

It was afternoon shift, and its Mothers' Day. After completing my Night shift on that very day, i called my mummy from the ward phone to wish her Happy Mothers' Day. She is still in China. And its 8am, i prolly woked her up. But it felt nice to hear your mother's voice, when she just woke up, its as if she was just right beside you.

I swopped duty with EN Aurora today to work at the A + E department. I was not tired from the night shift, but i do not want to tire myself further by doing the main lobby's screening for the afternoon after getting 4 hours of sleep from the night shift. Aurora was kind enough to understand it and gladly accepted the exchange.

Thinking that its going to be less taxing at the A + E. No way... its totally opposite.

Its was about 10am. After I released my partner for his break. A mother rushed into my counter, shouting for help, full of tears," Save my baby, he is not breathing, Please save him!" To be honest, I never saw this senerio before. She carried the baby, and i quickly took his temperature, its 40.1! the baby looked motionless, but pulse was strong. I assured the mother that he is still breathing, and quickly directed the mother into the triage.

About 12noon, another mother carried her baby and crying too, burge into my counter after coming down from the car, shouting " HELP HELP! Save him, he is having seizure." She looked like she was going to trip and fall, I hurriedly carried the baby and rushed into the emergency room as he looked like he was going to throw some fits. He did not really throw fits in the end, once we laid him down onto the emergency bed, he threw up. His temperature was 39.9. Fortunately, i was wearing my PPE. Lying him on his side, for the first time, i was not afraid of his vomitus spilling onto my PPE. It was my first time changing my PPE into a clean one for the day.

My 2nd time changing my PPE was the most significant memory to me. A family car stopped abruptly at the entrance, and i somehow expected another scene. Never expected to be a bloody scene. Mother's shirt was blood stained, and she carried her 4-5 year old boy, boy's head was bleeding badly but he was still conscious. I took over in carrying the boy as the mother was trying to wipe her tears away, i could see she was in shock. I opened the emergency room once again, and laid the boy flat on bed. Explaining to the Auntie who came along, that only 2 visitors was allowed into the A+E to compromise for the swine alert, she stayed outside waiting for the Daddy to come out from the car. I looked at my PPE, changed it again. When the daddy come, he took over in being with the boy, i took care of the mother, helped her to wipe the blood stains off her arms and face.

Mothers' day. When i saw all the mothers crying to save their child. I started to think of my own mother and wondered how great a mother's love is. Its so difficult to explain the bond that had started since they carry the baby in their womb. Protecting the foetus, which some mothers could choose to abort it, and lead a simplier life. The tears that came down from the mothers' eyes are all not for acting purposes, its mothers' day, and my heart go out to them for crying on this special day.

One more thing to ponder upon. How many of us know your mother's IC number? Only 2 visitors who are males, while writing the contact tracing, knew their mother's ic number by heart. I applaud them to take the effort to remember. Well, i can proudly say, I know my mother's IC number by heart too. =)

Love,

Moon Lim.

My cousin, being carried by her caregiver, Oma. She is from Myanmar, she took care of her for 4 years, never went back to Myanmar at all. She is like a mother to her too. Not all caregivers are so understanding towards the little ones who are not blood-related. ^_^

Love Vs Time

Dear Sunshine,

I recalled my moments at my best friend - Halimah's wedding. Although i just discharged from the hospital, my friend never failed to insist i come for her wedding. I am so honoured to be her bridesmaid for my malay best friend. Proudly, i wore my chongsam as i could not squeeze into her tiny malay traditional formal wear, we settled for my chongsam instead. Culture has always been part of me, and acceptance is so important for diversity.



Because of the word "Love", I believe people had done silly things before in their lives, which includes me, my friends, even my parents. Its so unexplainable.

I think i got well, because of my best friends' love for me. Seeing my best sis, friends, close to tears, when they saw me motionless in the hospital, brings me to blame myself for forgetting them for a split second. My youngest sister jia, cried the moment i got into the ambulance, although she kept scolding me for being stubborn, i knew she loved me. i hate to see her cry or being upset because of what i do wrong, she was always the reason for me to stay strong, and being there for her when she need me especially when my parents were not around.

I had a hard time recovering from that love that i once had. Someone whom really I felt was the man I was going to follow for the rest of my life. Everything i did for that entire 3 years, was for him, and for our future. I really got to thank Casey Nue, and our KTV and hang out gang, my class S.H.E (Halimah and rose), Brother Joe, SIS joyce, and most of all, jia, victor, hanny, and my beloved ah yee. Without them, i would not have completed my last semester of nursing studies, and to be here as what i am today. I am so lucky to have great friends and buddies like them. Mount Alvernia is such a compassionate hospital, i am really lucky to be part of the nursing team for them.

When i came out of the hospital, my daddy was the one who came back from China to discharge me. I had my ex's photo in my wallet, and when my daddy flipped my wallet, i try to hide his picture by flipping to another side. Immediately, he held my hand, and i will never forget what he said to me " Ying, its ok, Take your time. Why you want to hide from something that its infront of you..." I was thinking that no father would have said that, he never scolded me, never blamed me, and he never had a frown on his face... Because of that, i knew he truely understood me, and loved me. He knew what i needed was just time.

Today, i smsed some friends, are we destined to marry someone whom we do not love the most in our life?


What do you think?

Alright, Its already 1630hrs. I got to hurry now to complete a surprise gift for a brother. and ouch, i cut my feet with a penknife while cutting the papers supported by my lap.


What was I thinking...?

thinking of you....
Moon Lim

A shot with my classmate, Nicole's husband. No more better shots that day, too busy. =(

Smile on your face

Dear Sunshine,

I am naming you, my new blog "sunshine" because, some of my friends like to call me "Ms Sunshine" dont know for whatever reasons, anyway, it just makes me smile.

I wish that my new blog can bring a smile on your face, whoever that cares for me as a friend, or whoever reads facebooks from now on. Even if ever, i write something saddening, i hope you can feel my tears and pick me up if you are free. Many read my friendster blog in the past, but, sorry, i removed it already. Thank you to those who supported my friendster blogging. Leaving comments here and there... Cheers...

I never joined facebook till this year. Many friends kept inviting me, even doctors at CGH are using facebooks and telling me to start an account. Thats about 2 years ago, well, here i am. I hope i am not too late. Really found my long lost friends from facebook, and all thanks to the internet, we are all linked again.

I love poems. And i love making them. If any friend who would like me to compose a piece for you, tell me your request, and who you would like to delicate to. If you want it in chinese, let me know, msg me your mobile number, and i would send via sms to you. Please feel free to comment on my poems and so i can improve and do better pieces in future.

My name is Caroline Moon Lim Huiying. I am a registered staff nurse. In my workplace, on my name tag displays Moon Lim Huiying. So, if you ever see me serving you, even if i do not know you, whether you are coming for a checkup, or an unwanted hospitalisation... let me know, and i will try my best to do whatever i can, to make your stay or your visit more pleasant for you.

Have a great weekend. holiday. and sunday. Smile.

Love,

Moon