Is it a process? or God's will?

Dear Sunshine,

Suddenly, I miss my cousin, Samuel Shing.
He was only 12 years old.
He was going home from the bus stop. A speeding taxi drove by, did not see him, and he got knocked, he flew, and passed away on the road.

When i saw him lying behind the glass panel. I start to think how angelic he was when he was a child. He grew up to be a bright and talented child, he was a softball captain, and friends only remembered how kind he was. For us cousins, he only knew about sharing, and often he spend some evenings and nights over at my place, with my youngest sister. He was the only son, and only had one elder sister.

For one second, to tell you honestly, i blamed GOD. I blamed him for being so unfair and cruel to us. Forgive me. Although we kept praying and praying, whether in the church, or at his place, i still had to admit that i was wondering whether there ever was a GOD. These feelings started to fade away when i got to be strong to hug someone from my family to tell them that Sam is in a safe place now. The only comfort is that, we will remember the way he is, we told ourselves that GOD just wanted us to remember him being angelic and that GOD needed him to do something better for him.

This was an unwanted departure. How about those, we living could have made the decision? We all believe dying is a process. How about those who take their own lives? those who kill others? or also, those who decide for their close ones to pass on?

In my line of job, there are some patients, unfortunately are decided by their close ones not to resuscitate them (DNR). They are either machine dependent, or mulitple organ failures, or old age, or last stage of cancer. Come to think of it, probably its fortunately that there is this DNR clause, if not, relatives could keep paying for hospital fees? or relatives would see their love ones suffering longer than usual. Some relatives cannot take the reality that their love ones are in that present state, of course, we respect whatever decision is being made.

Fortunately, still, i am not the nurse (as yet) who would off the machines, to witness the last breathe that the patient could, on his/her own. I think i am still not ready, to hold that kind of responsibility or also, i am not senior enough too, to handle that kind of pressure which i would rather not to experience yet.

But, one thing i believe...
And truely believe.
Is...
There really are miracles....

I believe in that... and i did see patients who got well, even though beyond expectation. Beyond doctor's expectation. Of course, they still faced death, but, at least, some level of comfort for them, and for people witnessing the process, is being reached and more are willing to let go after that particular miracle faded.

By the way, my aunty, then 43, gave birth to another baby girl, and she is already almost 5, i think. Her elder sister is 20. Miracle? GOD's gift... i believe. Her name is Sarah Shing.

A grandma fell, did not tell relatives till one day, she actually vomitted. Admitted into hospital. Could move her limbs, sit up and talk. But the next following day, she only could lie down and unable to open her eyes nor talk anymore. Scanning shows she had serious bleeding in her brain and relatives were unwilling to operate her due to her age and heart condition. Thoughout the whole week, they cried beside her, i felt sad too, although i did not know her personally, she had a very kind face.

One day, while i was her nurse-in-charge, I went to change her diapers with my enrolled nurse. I was very curious. I went to open her eye lids, saw her eyes rolling, and i asked her," Ah ma, Can you see me?" in hokkien. To my collegue and my amazement, she answered "O, I can see you. You are very pretty." I got a shock! My collegue too, she was saying "HUH! Ah ma can talk!" Outside, the relatives heard something, they all rushed in to see, but, ah ma never spoke anymore. I went to her funeral. In fact, I never attended any patient's funeral before. Her relatives told me, that her very last sentence that she spoke, was with me.

If ever, one day, should i become unable to make the decision to live on, or should i be machine dependent, Do Not Resuscitate me... ok? because i think... i might look scary without my smile... ^_^


Love,
Moon Lim.