Review of 2010.2011.2012

Hey... Its already 2012. And i did not update my blog for such a long time.

How is everyone? Its soon approaching the end of the year.
Time seems to fly past. or else, is the world turning faster?

In certain times of this year, i wished that time would just hold for a second longer.
For now, i hoped it goes a little faster, so that dec would come and i could go europe again.

yes. i broke up with my french guy last year (2011) dec. He kept on hurting me, and saying to break up several times, At Jan was the last straw. I know we do care for each other, and i do know that, he did loved me very much before. However.... I think its best that we part ways, and leave each other to carry on our lives. I had no regrets. Did my very best. Deferred my degree studies to be with him in france for 4 months. And i think thats already a good experience and opportunity for the 2 of us. He will remain in another part of my memory which i just want to remember the good things we done together.

Many things happened at 2011-2012. I lost my beloved youngest Aunt in Greece at Jan 2012. Dearest xiaogu, if you can hear me... I want to say... "I love you. and i am sorry for not being there when you would need me the most.... I was so near  you. I was just in france. Why didnt you tell us that you needed us, I was just 1-2 hours away. I could be with you. I would know how to make you feel better and more comfortable... I wish... you were still alive. " If only i known. I would be with her... dad, er gu and i were in england. We could fly to her... if we known she was suffering in silence.

Feb - June 2012 was a little happier. I went back to school and  I got to know someone new midst of all the guys i dated so far, I find him one of the most interesting man i ever knew. lets name him DJ. He was also funny, he could make me laugh so much that non of my dates could had done that. And he gave me an experience that was the best holiday i ever had in my entire life. its just 10 simple days, and it was transformed to a 10 "chalet-ious", dreamy and best-of-the-best days. We had a disco room, kitchen, shower room for 2, however... just not a bed for 2. But i missed your couch. so much... and our eurocup football. Donning our same T-shirts, was hilarious! and cheering on our team was something i never did before with any of my friends.

Going back, was sad. I cried. he cried. I felt so sad. First 2 weeks was crazy. I missed him so much. i cannot wait to see him again. at that moment, i thanked GOD for dj.

its now September 2012. Just another 3 more crazy months till i see him again....

but i will wait. hope he will.

End of the beginning to Life.

Hello Sunshine,

Today, I had a reflective day.

A 36 weeker mother, gave birth to a full term baby. However, the baby, had no signs of breathing, no heart rate, and no sign of life.

It is an inter uterine death. We call it IUD in the medical field.

My sis Ria, gave me a task that i was in charge of ward today. And unexpectedly, this particular case came to our ward. Crying pair of parents, moaning relatives, and shocked friends surrounded the couple in their single room. Support, Love, and words of comfort, could not stop the tears and the wailing mother.

How difficult and challenging it is to hold a fetus till full term? Is God so cruel to stop a life so vulnerable? or is it God's very own plan that he forsee a better future in that unborn life? God needed that life beside him?

4pm is the hour i had to escort the parents, and the priest down to the mortuary. Sister Bernadette came early to alert me to prepare the fetus first before presenting it to the parents. I appreciated that reminder, I went to the father, and got some clothes intended for the baby. After getting the keys to the mortuary, i went to seek for Sis Bernadette, she told me to go first. "Oh no, i had to go there alone?" fear? yes, i think so. Never went in the mortuary alone before. God somehow listened my fears, and thankfully, along the way, i saw a pair of undertakers, and they were more than willing to help me at the mortuary.

My hospital is a catholic hospital. Which i really appreciate that we do not handle abortion cases. However, IUD is unexpected death, so, ethically, nurses, nuns alike from my hospital would get to see such unwanted departure of a little life. As it is a catholic hospital, somehow or another, i dont fear that much going to the "black house" - which i call it, compared to government hospitals, and i mean it, as going there alone.

The key unlocked the lock at the "black house", the cold air gushed out, grabbing my legs that were uncovered by my nursing uniform. i closed my eyes, whispered a small prayer. and opened it, to switch on the light. Opening the ledge of the big handle to the "fridge", i saw a tray, with a covered cloth. Checking the tag with the undertaker, i brought the tray out of the fridge.

I was expecting to see a complete fetus. Uncovering the cloth, i saw a lifeless baby. pale, and there were bloodstains. and his skin was peeling from being too moist from the air? as the baby skin is very delicate, several peeling of the skin, revealing his red flesh could be seen. He had 10 fingers, 10 toes, a very complete body, but reason of his death was unknown. i can imagine how much guilt the mother must be feeling, she must have felt she caused the death of her child. I forgot to say the gender of the baby, he is a boy, and its the 2nd baby that the pair of parents lost.

Dressing the baby was proved to be difficult, as we turn the baby, blood flowed down his cheeks from his nose and mouth. I would pressume its the mother's uterus contents, as he was unable to cough it out like majority of the newborns. Reaching for the baby with my gloved hands, when i felt the cold blue skin for the first time, i retract my fingers, feeling the guilt from fear, i clear my thoughts and focused on my aim on doing my best for the last journey for the baby. I ended the dressing, by placing a blossomed flower handed to me by sister bernadette, next to the baby's face. Innocence, the baby's face was full of it.

The mother was wheeled down by our hospital porter. Father followed with a priest beside her. They saw the baby. We asked them, whether they would want to carry the baby. The mother refused. She just kept crying. Sister Bernadette, Priest, friend, undertaker, porter and me, had our hands on the parents, or the wheelchair. The cold room, echoed with the wails of the parents, for 10 entire minutes, no one stepped a step, whispered a sound, or even spoke anything.

Sister Bernadette broke the silence, and signalled for all of us, to leave the parents alone with the baby. All of us went out. I saw Sister Bernadette's face changed, and her tears started to come down her wrinkled face. Sister Bernadette is my mother of the hospital in my eyes. To see her cry, made me feel so sad too. Nurses cannot cry, we are to be so strong in front of relatives. To me, its not a good thing to show sadness. But today, all these rules, taboos are thrown aside. When all of us went in back to the "cold room" to pray, and when the mother was ready to carry him, even the porter, was not spared from this emotional moment, he too started to wipe his face, back facing me. Nevertheless, i started to cry when i saw the father crying beside me. I cannot control it any longer, especially when i see men cry. Reminds me when my father cried, whenever i made him angry.

It started to rain as i opened the door to go out. Some say its good that its raining when there is bad happenings, like a sign of washing away bad omens.

Locking up the mortuary. i looked down. I started to think about friends who had abortions. I started to think about couples who wanted a baby so much but do not have any. I would be able to say how much pain one girl would have to go through during the time of aborting the baby, and the guilt felt thereafter. Reasons for doing so, needs to compensate all these advantages of not having the baby. But what kind of advantage you can have for not keeping your own child? afterall, happiness will always follow after a birth of a child. Acceptance is just a matter of time. Girls become so strong after they gave birth to their child, they live on for the child, and the child is the strength and pillar of life to her.

I started to think about myself, although i am not married, i dont mind being a mother to any child. I am single, but i have 4 God children. 1 from China, 1 from Nepal, and 2 from the Philipines. All i can say is, i do not care whether i have in future, a boy or girl. I just wish him/her to be a healthy and happy little one.

My words to the baby when i carry him, - God need you beside him to do greater things that your parents cannot do. He took you away, knowing how much pain that your parents would go through, so, you must stay strong and complete your great things that come to you. and so, your parents in due time to come, can be proud to see you and hold you together as one. I carry you today, hope you can feel the love i give you, so you can spread this love to other babies who do not even have the chance to be carried, like how i carry you now. -

Moon Lim Huiying

My Nurses Day with Innocence

Nurses Day celebration is over... I got 2 flowers, few vouchers, and few great days to remember. On that very day, i took out my nurses pledge, printed in gold linings. Nicely placed in my file. I read through it, and I recalled the day of our graduation day of the diploma course, as we all held our hands up to say our oath, i was so emotional, excited and afraid about what was coming ahead of me.


H1N1. When it hit Singapore. Our ward, St Micheal was one of the first to be on the front line to screen the visitors and patients. No nurse was scared. Unlike SARS, Swine Flu was not that deadly as many think it is, however, it was not easy for us to convince visitors how important being vigilant is. PPE, Masking, and rubbing our hands with sanitizers were things we had to do, every single day. Limiting the visitors to 2, is very hard for us to restrict especially for patients who are at the edge of his/her death. It was a terrible move for me to be doing this screening as i got so bored, and felt so useless at the automatic doors, taking temperature for all visitors.


Now, St Micheal is converting all our 4 bedded rooms to single rooms for isolation to accomodate the increased demand for single rooms. We had a number of pediatrics patients who are positive for H1N1 flu virus and are staying in our ward. For that reason, I got to get a tint of prediatric nursing.


There was this case of a 7 year old who was warded, who only was tested positive on the 2nd day of admission. She had a 4 year old sister who refused to go to school, insisted that she followed the mother and sister at the hospital. Well, this was such a special case, we had to allow her unwanted presence alongside with the infected sister. Patient's sister was a very sweet and talkative little girl.


I had a day off on Sunday, and when i returned to the ward on Monday. Sister was sound asleep when i entered the room at 1430, she heard me coming into the room and jumped up. She put up her arms to reach for me, "Jiejie, Hug me!" At that moment of time, i really wanted to, but i had to keep myself "clean" as to prevent cross infection. "Wait, k? i will come back to hug you before i go home." "YAY, ok, i will wait for jiejie."


Her face kept popping into my mind as i write my reports.

I went back to the room with 2 cups of Milo. "MILOOOO!", have they tried milo before? They screamed the name of their drink so excitedly. Innocence. Plain, simple and memorable for me.

I recalled when i was young, i first took the aeroplace at age 10. i thought that other countries, are above the clouds. And that there were many layers of clouds. Now that i had matured, i know how gullible i had been.

Yes, of course i hugged her, when she got her drink. And that hug was such a sweet and sincere one.

Its the best gift i got for Nurses Day this year, 2009 along with all the flower notes of thanks from the children...

Till Death do us part...

Dear Sunshine,

Just one month ago, I attended my Godbrother's wedding. I was so touched by the whole speech he said before his wife. Although, the wedding was only witnessed by his mum, wife, himself, and i, the ceremony was simple, and deeply remembered by me. "I will standby you, whether in sickness, in danger and till death do us part." I cannot really recalled what he said, its how he said it, really impacted into my memory like a crafted piece of art. As i hugged him in congrats, i cannot help feeling the happiness i had for him, on that very special day.

Just today, a patient's husband from my collegues team, came to the nurses counter. "Nurse, can you help me? My wife just finished her toilet and needs to be transferred and cleaned up." I stood up from my nurses notes, and went with him.

His wife suffered a stroke at age 40 plus. Half bodied paralysis, she sat on the comode chair helplessly. I was about to hug her to carry her, but surprisingly, unlike majority of the patient's family, her husband moved me aside nicely, and said "Let me do it, i need to learn how to do it, I can do it. Right? Dear?" I was touched by that gesture. I cleaned her up as he supported her up with his shoulders. He then helped her back to bed, with me just assisting to support her back.

I looked at her, squatted down, and pat her on her shoulders. Good job. And told her that she is so lucky to have such a supportive husband who would stand by her in no matter what kind of state she is in. He shall always be there to believe in her. For her to involve, for her to improve.

I saw tears in her eyes, maybe she saw mine.

My mother could have the option of leaving my dad to china alone, and caring for her 3 children here in Singapore. She did not. She supported my dad in bad times, troubled times, so difficult times, she did not give up on hope on my daddy.

I told myself, no matter where my husband (if ever i have one) want to go in future, i would surely give my deepest support like how my mother did for daddy, and also how the patient's husband did for his wife. I think its called unconditional love, and i believe that this love... does truely exist.

Love,

Moon Lim Huiying

Is it a process? or God's will?

Dear Sunshine,

Suddenly, I miss my cousin, Samuel Shing.
He was only 12 years old.
He was going home from the bus stop. A speeding taxi drove by, did not see him, and he got knocked, he flew, and passed away on the road.

When i saw him lying behind the glass panel. I start to think how angelic he was when he was a child. He grew up to be a bright and talented child, he was a softball captain, and friends only remembered how kind he was. For us cousins, he only knew about sharing, and often he spend some evenings and nights over at my place, with my youngest sister. He was the only son, and only had one elder sister.

For one second, to tell you honestly, i blamed GOD. I blamed him for being so unfair and cruel to us. Forgive me. Although we kept praying and praying, whether in the church, or at his place, i still had to admit that i was wondering whether there ever was a GOD. These feelings started to fade away when i got to be strong to hug someone from my family to tell them that Sam is in a safe place now. The only comfort is that, we will remember the way he is, we told ourselves that GOD just wanted us to remember him being angelic and that GOD needed him to do something better for him.

This was an unwanted departure. How about those, we living could have made the decision? We all believe dying is a process. How about those who take their own lives? those who kill others? or also, those who decide for their close ones to pass on?

In my line of job, there are some patients, unfortunately are decided by their close ones not to resuscitate them (DNR). They are either machine dependent, or mulitple organ failures, or old age, or last stage of cancer. Come to think of it, probably its fortunately that there is this DNR clause, if not, relatives could keep paying for hospital fees? or relatives would see their love ones suffering longer than usual. Some relatives cannot take the reality that their love ones are in that present state, of course, we respect whatever decision is being made.

Fortunately, still, i am not the nurse (as yet) who would off the machines, to witness the last breathe that the patient could, on his/her own. I think i am still not ready, to hold that kind of responsibility or also, i am not senior enough too, to handle that kind of pressure which i would rather not to experience yet.

But, one thing i believe...
And truely believe.
Is...
There really are miracles....

I believe in that... and i did see patients who got well, even though beyond expectation. Beyond doctor's expectation. Of course, they still faced death, but, at least, some level of comfort for them, and for people witnessing the process, is being reached and more are willing to let go after that particular miracle faded.

By the way, my aunty, then 43, gave birth to another baby girl, and she is already almost 5, i think. Her elder sister is 20. Miracle? GOD's gift... i believe. Her name is Sarah Shing.

A grandma fell, did not tell relatives till one day, she actually vomitted. Admitted into hospital. Could move her limbs, sit up and talk. But the next following day, she only could lie down and unable to open her eyes nor talk anymore. Scanning shows she had serious bleeding in her brain and relatives were unwilling to operate her due to her age and heart condition. Thoughout the whole week, they cried beside her, i felt sad too, although i did not know her personally, she had a very kind face.

One day, while i was her nurse-in-charge, I went to change her diapers with my enrolled nurse. I was very curious. I went to open her eye lids, saw her eyes rolling, and i asked her," Ah ma, Can you see me?" in hokkien. To my collegue and my amazement, she answered "O, I can see you. You are very pretty." I got a shock! My collegue too, she was saying "HUH! Ah ma can talk!" Outside, the relatives heard something, they all rushed in to see, but, ah ma never spoke anymore. I went to her funeral. In fact, I never attended any patient's funeral before. Her relatives told me, that her very last sentence that she spoke, was with me.

If ever, one day, should i become unable to make the decision to live on, or should i be machine dependent, Do Not Resuscitate me... ok? because i think... i might look scary without my smile... ^_^


Love,
Moon Lim.

A Mother's Soul

I am going to delicate this post to all Mothers, and wishing all of them, Happy Mothers' Day.

It was afternoon shift, and its Mothers' Day. After completing my Night shift on that very day, i called my mummy from the ward phone to wish her Happy Mothers' Day. She is still in China. And its 8am, i prolly woked her up. But it felt nice to hear your mother's voice, when she just woke up, its as if she was just right beside you.

I swopped duty with EN Aurora today to work at the A + E department. I was not tired from the night shift, but i do not want to tire myself further by doing the main lobby's screening for the afternoon after getting 4 hours of sleep from the night shift. Aurora was kind enough to understand it and gladly accepted the exchange.

Thinking that its going to be less taxing at the A + E. No way... its totally opposite.

Its was about 10am. After I released my partner for his break. A mother rushed into my counter, shouting for help, full of tears," Save my baby, he is not breathing, Please save him!" To be honest, I never saw this senerio before. She carried the baby, and i quickly took his temperature, its 40.1! the baby looked motionless, but pulse was strong. I assured the mother that he is still breathing, and quickly directed the mother into the triage.

About 12noon, another mother carried her baby and crying too, burge into my counter after coming down from the car, shouting " HELP HELP! Save him, he is having seizure." She looked like she was going to trip and fall, I hurriedly carried the baby and rushed into the emergency room as he looked like he was going to throw some fits. He did not really throw fits in the end, once we laid him down onto the emergency bed, he threw up. His temperature was 39.9. Fortunately, i was wearing my PPE. Lying him on his side, for the first time, i was not afraid of his vomitus spilling onto my PPE. It was my first time changing my PPE into a clean one for the day.

My 2nd time changing my PPE was the most significant memory to me. A family car stopped abruptly at the entrance, and i somehow expected another scene. Never expected to be a bloody scene. Mother's shirt was blood stained, and she carried her 4-5 year old boy, boy's head was bleeding badly but he was still conscious. I took over in carrying the boy as the mother was trying to wipe her tears away, i could see she was in shock. I opened the emergency room once again, and laid the boy flat on bed. Explaining to the Auntie who came along, that only 2 visitors was allowed into the A+E to compromise for the swine alert, she stayed outside waiting for the Daddy to come out from the car. I looked at my PPE, changed it again. When the daddy come, he took over in being with the boy, i took care of the mother, helped her to wipe the blood stains off her arms and face.

Mothers' day. When i saw all the mothers crying to save their child. I started to think of my own mother and wondered how great a mother's love is. Its so difficult to explain the bond that had started since they carry the baby in their womb. Protecting the foetus, which some mothers could choose to abort it, and lead a simplier life. The tears that came down from the mothers' eyes are all not for acting purposes, its mothers' day, and my heart go out to them for crying on this special day.

One more thing to ponder upon. How many of us know your mother's IC number? Only 2 visitors who are males, while writing the contact tracing, knew their mother's ic number by heart. I applaud them to take the effort to remember. Well, i can proudly say, I know my mother's IC number by heart too. =)

Love,

Moon Lim.

My cousin, being carried by her caregiver, Oma. She is from Myanmar, she took care of her for 4 years, never went back to Myanmar at all. She is like a mother to her too. Not all caregivers are so understanding towards the little ones who are not blood-related. ^_^

Love Vs Time

Dear Sunshine,

I recalled my moments at my best friend - Halimah's wedding. Although i just discharged from the hospital, my friend never failed to insist i come for her wedding. I am so honoured to be her bridesmaid for my malay best friend. Proudly, i wore my chongsam as i could not squeeze into her tiny malay traditional formal wear, we settled for my chongsam instead. Culture has always been part of me, and acceptance is so important for diversity.



Because of the word "Love", I believe people had done silly things before in their lives, which includes me, my friends, even my parents. Its so unexplainable.

I think i got well, because of my best friends' love for me. Seeing my best sis, friends, close to tears, when they saw me motionless in the hospital, brings me to blame myself for forgetting them for a split second. My youngest sister jia, cried the moment i got into the ambulance, although she kept scolding me for being stubborn, i knew she loved me. i hate to see her cry or being upset because of what i do wrong, she was always the reason for me to stay strong, and being there for her when she need me especially when my parents were not around.

I had a hard time recovering from that love that i once had. Someone whom really I felt was the man I was going to follow for the rest of my life. Everything i did for that entire 3 years, was for him, and for our future. I really got to thank Casey Nue, and our KTV and hang out gang, my class S.H.E (Halimah and rose), Brother Joe, SIS joyce, and most of all, jia, victor, hanny, and my beloved ah yee. Without them, i would not have completed my last semester of nursing studies, and to be here as what i am today. I am so lucky to have great friends and buddies like them. Mount Alvernia is such a compassionate hospital, i am really lucky to be part of the nursing team for them.

When i came out of the hospital, my daddy was the one who came back from China to discharge me. I had my ex's photo in my wallet, and when my daddy flipped my wallet, i try to hide his picture by flipping to another side. Immediately, he held my hand, and i will never forget what he said to me " Ying, its ok, Take your time. Why you want to hide from something that its infront of you..." I was thinking that no father would have said that, he never scolded me, never blamed me, and he never had a frown on his face... Because of that, i knew he truely understood me, and loved me. He knew what i needed was just time.

Today, i smsed some friends, are we destined to marry someone whom we do not love the most in our life?


What do you think?

Alright, Its already 1630hrs. I got to hurry now to complete a surprise gift for a brother. and ouch, i cut my feet with a penknife while cutting the papers supported by my lap.


What was I thinking...?

thinking of you....
Moon Lim

A shot with my classmate, Nicole's husband. No more better shots that day, too busy. =(